Why Judging People Is Really About You (Not Them)

“It’s easy to judge. It is more difficult to understand. Prudence requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose substandard methods. Through judging, we are separated. Through understanding, we grow. “Doi Xantamata”

Why doesn’t he say something?

I was sitting at the dinner table with my partner and friends. Everyone except my partner was talking and talking among themselves. He was sitting there silently. I had to admit, this situation made me very uncomfortable.

Why was he so quiet? We had been dating for over six months and generally, when it was one of the two of us, he was very talkative, we had very vivid discussions, he knew his opinions and spoke his mind. Was not afraid to say. But now, at dinner with friends, she was a shadow of her normal self.

To be honest, I felt a little embarrassed. What would my friends think? Did they even judge him quietly? Did they think he was boring and disinterested?

When we came back home, I was irritated and annoyed. Have you ever felt when you really want someone to be treated ruthlessly? explain Absolutely right What did they do wrong and how did they understand needed Behave instead? I wanted to lecture him. To tell him this: “It is rude not to interact in social gatherings. This is strange. Can’t you behave? It’s sloppy! What happened to you? what is your problem?”

I did not say those things to him. Instead, I was allowed to sit with me for a few days. Slowly, I started to twist the finger I was pointing towards him. Maybe it wasn’t all about him, maybe it was something to do with me?

Then it hit me. He had no problem. I was!

I felt that my upbringing gave me some values ​​and “truths” about relationships and social relationships. This is how you behave: You actively participate during a conversation, and nothing is considered rude. You ask people questions and share stories during social gatherings; Otherwise, people will think that you are unarmed. This is what I learned from growing up.

Because my partner was not working according to what I was taught, I judged him. Instead of asking myself why I was labeling him the way he was behaving. When we came back home, I had in mind, she should be rude, boring, self-conscious, and not run to the standards that I needed in a boyfriend.

Now, eight years later, I know that my husband was sober during that dinner because he needed more time with new people before he fully relaxed. He did not do so because he was uncivil. On the contrary, I know that he cared deeply about me and my friends, he was just showing it in a different way.

When I understood this, I knew that my decision really had nothing to do with it — it was all about me. In identifying my partner, I realized that I value myself the most. My decision was never about him – it was about me.

This insight not only brought me more compassion, less judgment, and more closeness in our relationships, it gave me a new outlook and new value that made my life better.

Below you will find the steps I followed:

1. Identify: What decision do you make about someone?

The first step is to be aware of the decision that you make about other people. In my case, the idea was “He is rude and weird,“”I am better at talking to them socially,“And”Maybe we are not a good match? I need someone who can interact socially.“Often decisions involve you feeling superior, someone you know or treat better than others.

Just find out about the decisions you are making (without setting yourself for them). This decision is the first step in changing.

2. Ask yourself: How should this person be instead?

In the specific situation, ask yourself how you think the other person should act instead. What according to you Best Behavior in the situation? Be honest with yourself and write exactly what comes to mind, do not put yourself back here.

In my case, I wanted my partner to be fully involved in the conversation. I wanted him to be talkative, interested and curious about his friends.

3. Go deeper: Why is it important to be this way?

Be curious and ask yourself, why is it important to be or act the way you like? If a person does not act in this way, what does it indicate about the person? What is the result of not being in tune with your desire or acting?

For me, social skills turn into good manners and you can behave appropriately. I think at the time those who were not behaving in the “right” way according to my view were not taught well by their parents. I labeled them seamlessly and did not contribute to the group. (Now, I know better, but more on that soon).

4. Spot: What underlying value is your decision coming from?

Ask yourself what are the underlying values ​​and beliefs that are driving your decision. The story you are telling yourself about a specific situation? Be completely honest here.

In my case it was the following: Being antisocial is negative and equals weakness. Not being socially skilled is awkward and awkward. This means that you are less capable, less efficient, less smart / intelligent and ultimately less qualified. (Just to clarify, this was a matter of my judgment and insecurity, and this is clearly not the truth).

From my upbringing I learned that social skills are highly valued. I was taught to be talkative, engage in social interaction and articulate well. If you did not meet these expectations, you felt inferior and less qualified.

5. Make a choice: keep or change your values?

When you have defined your underlying values ​​and beliefs, you have to make a choice: either you keep them or replace them. And the important questions are: are your values ​​and beliefs serving you or not? Do they conform to your moral standards and aspirations?

I chose to change my values. Instead of evaluating people based on social skills, I chose to replace that value with acceptance, respect, curiosity, and equality. As much as I did not want to judge someone for their skin color, gender, or ethnicity, I did not want to judge someone based on how they behaved socially.

Instead, I made a conscious choice to accept and respect all individuals for who they are. And to be curious and kind, because in my experience, everyone you meet can teach you something.

Decision to change for your benefit

While watching that night’s meal with my partner, I was very close to falling into the trap. To get involved in a fight where I would hurt my partner badly and create separation between us. I pointed at him to bend the finger of judgment and instead dared him to turn to me.

I felt that my underlying values ​​and beliefs had consequences, not only for those close to me, but also for myself. He alleged that if someone’s day is bad and does not feel like talking to each other, it is not right. Others and I are not allowed to show myself and as we show (talkative or not).

I felt that the values ​​by which my decision not only made me my partner, they also made me a judge. I was just not allowed to show up. I realized that my upbringing made me feel insecure and uncertain. Sure, I had learned how to be the center of conversation and meditation. But the underlying painful feeling was there. I am Was To become an entertainer. I am Was Always keep smiling and be in a good mood. I am Was Be curious and ask questions to other people.

If not, I will be thrown out. I felt that I was accepted only when I was happy, outgoing and enthusiastic. It was stressful and it did not make me feel safe.

Also, to my surprise, once I stopped judging my partner, he became more social and talkative in social gatherings. Why? Because at first he probably felt my just look, and it made him even more uncomfortable and introverted. When I stopped judging they felt acceptance and respect. And that, in turn, made it easier for himself even in social gatherings.

The bottom line is: when you judge someone it always comes to you. What I came to know was that I judge others, so I was very strict on myself as well. The more work I have done on this process, the more forgiving, accepting and loving I have become.

The next time you see yourself judging someone else, stop and reflect. Follow the five steps and remember: This is the key to being honest, weak and curious.

Free yourself from the chains of judgment and allow yourself to accept, enter compassion, and liberation – for yourself and others. you got this!